i feel like even though i've been in a MUCH better mood now that school's done with for the year, i'm still really really really snarky at master's practice to coach. things have been much better between us compared to a few wks ago (my fault, overreacting to his annoying tendencies), but it's almost like i can't say anything without being sarcastic, which coming from me sounds like i'm being mean - if people even get the sarcasm in the first place. tonight's example: i swam this morning; did 2500 yards actually - a pretty decent workout. then i came to practice this evening & did the whole workout, which i complained about some b/c i'm of course tired, but the conversation circled around his previous mention about napping during the afternoon.
as a swim coach, who works for a few hours in the mornings/afternoons, he has the whole middle part of the day to do whatever he wants - which, it seems, is to sleep. i griped that some of us don't get that luxury (even though i kinda do nowadays b/c of having the summer off from work), and he said i was mad that he found a job where he could do that. well, not entirely true...but yeah, thinking back on it, i am jealous of parts of his job & lifestyle, and maybe that's why i'm acting the way i am.
all school year, i was busting my butt working 12+ hours/day: full day at work, few hours of coaching, practices a few days a week, plus working on my grad classes...it all adds up. and the proctoring gigs, housesitting jobs, etc. that i tend to take on for extra cash, it can make for an exhaustive life. sure, i have a great job where my bosses support me, i get weekends & some holidays & the summers off. i won't give it up. and i love the kids i coach (most of the time), so i can't give that up either.
but i'm definitely experiencing a decidedly decreased amount of "me" time compared to last year or the year before - i've rarely been out hiking, beachcombing, i haven't picked up any knitting projects since thanksgiving...i left town once for work, but besides that (doesn't count in my book, since it was for work & i barely remember any of the trip anyways), i haven't left the rock for a year now. i miss the friendly faces from down south & up north, both friends & family. i tried to get the social life going this year by inviting coach to things, but he's pretty consistently turned me down or backed out last minute since the fall. frustrating, annoying, maddening.
but what am i supposed to do? be irresponsible and drop all the obligations and responsibilities that i've signed up for that will supposedly benefit me in the future? or continue living for the benefit of others'? i know there has to be a balance, but i haven't found it yet. all i know is, i haven't accomplised much of what i'd set out to do when graduating college. i haven't finished school, i'm not living on my own or in my own place, i'm still paying off student loans and will be for many years, and i'm not experiencing much of a social life. my ultimate goal is to be a positive role model for the kids i work with, but it's hard to convince them that my way of life is the right one when it's not very fun. i always hear that your 20's are supposed to be the best years of your life, but i'm quickly approaching the end of them and i feel like i haven't got much to show for it - physically or memory-wise. it's not that i'm unhappy about it, but i just feel "stuck." and i hate that feeling...
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