this didn't mean much to me before today, until i saw heard it while watching a OTH episode. in light of the events that have happened over the past 2 weeks, it struck a chord.
2 wks ago, coach was out of town and visiting family/friends back home. i'd decided to let things cool this summer since i wouldn't be on deck once he got back, and have been very confused by the friends/not friends situation that i seemed to find myself in - getting along really well on deck, but not hanging out outside of the pool, plus my much too large schoolgirl crush on him. everything changed when he texted the first weekend he was gone, confidence buoyed by alcohol from his friend's bachelor party, and asked if i wanted to try going on a date.
uhm, wait a sec....YES!!!
it's only been about 8 months of pining after him, so needless to say i was all for it - even though we both were concerned about things getting messed up & not being able to work together (i'm essentially the only person his age in this town that he knows & can rely on, personally & professionally). but, 10 days worth of flirting via text messages didn't seem to change much. and it continued for the first few days he was back, with plans to hang out & then an official "date."
when things became quiet on deck during master's practice, i started to wonder if something was going on. i tried to let it go, as i'm a professional over-thinking and -analyzer, which tends to get me in trouble emotionally. but after almost a week of perceived awkwardness, i had to say something. almost wish i hadn't...
he told me last night that, after talking to his mentor coach, he doesn't think it's a good idea for us to go out any more. the other coach had a similar experience in the past that didn't end well, and thus advised to not get involved. advice which coach took. i get what a risk it is, but i also think it's a totally different situation and based on us, not on somebody else's negative experience. so all the butterflies i had for 2 wks, as well as my self-confidence levels, have been ripped out from underneath me in favor of insecurity and nausea.
i want to be mad, and he expects me to be, but i can't. i'm not. i'm more pissed at that stupid mentor coach of his, who is affecting decisions that pertain to MY life even though he doesn't know me at all. and i'm disappointed in coach, who apparently isn't man enough to follow his own heart and make his own decisions. i literally argued with him in my head until 2 am last night, unable to sleep and with a headache from crying, so i spent 3 hours finishing my coaching certification class and only briefly dozed for a couple of hours.
i don't know how to handle situations with him now; saturday will be the test when he coaches master's. the stupid thing is, he was worried about and didn't want to ruin things between us, and guess what he brought on himself. it honestly makes me not want to coach anymore (besides that it's been pretty nice & relaxing to NOT have to deal with the kids the past couple of weeks), but i know i'll need the money in the spring when i have to student teach (and consequently not get paid), and i don't want to pansy out and make it seem like i can't handle things. it's not like quitting is going to change anything between us; even if he was to pursue dating again, i don't trust him at the moment so it wouldn't go over well with me.
so yeah, getting your dreams is one of life's greatest tragedies. and so is not getting them.
i'm SO going to be a hermit on some random, forested island.
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