on the mend...

...emotionally anyways.  self-esteem & self-belief are improving daily, even though things haven't turned out the way i'd yet - yet again. this happens all too often in life, and i'm trying to have faith that it's for a good reason.  because otherwise, it just sucks sometimes!

what helps, even though i don't like it, is distance. i've been home by myself for the past week housesitting for the parentals (thanks for ditching me, guys....), not swimming because the pool is closed for the move, and coach is out of town for 2 1/2 wks on a visit home.  i gave him a peace offering of almond roca before he left, and we texted once so i could get info before booking plane tickets. i think things will be ok eventually, but it's probably good to have a break. i still feel like word vomiting all over him, but maybe that'll go away soon.

turns out what really helps is nice comments from others - like the quirky guy at work who said we should keep in touch when he moves in a few weeks, so that when i get my own classroom he can come back & be a para in int.  or the tattooed guy who works out at the pool and said he hopes to see me at the pool when it opens.  nothing life-changing, but is kind of vindication after feeling like i wasn't worth the risk to coach.  if i was to play a "kid in a candy store" & get whatever i want, right now i'd still pick coach.  i think we get along too well for there to not be potential, & i feel like he just gets me - the only one who sees through the "fake it til you make it" moods when i'm really stressed out, & doesn't put up w/ me trying to keep it covered (i.e., sending me home from practice & not letting me coach).  ugh, boys.

i'm also really tired of grad school, but scared to start student teaching in january because it means actually being responsible for students' educations.  not just daily lessons, but 4-year plans and transitions into the real world.  atleast i have two very wonderful, supportive, knowledgeable bosses that can help along the way, but adulthood is barreling down the highway headed straight at me, and i don't know if i'm ready yet.

so, whaddya do?!? escape to the lower 48 next month to visit my amazing friends & family in WA & OR! and maybe a solo roadtrip along the OR coast? hmmm the possibilities...