i'm horrible at journaling, which is strange because i loved it when it was a homework requirement in high school english class. but actually sitting down to write/type is something you have to have time for, and that's been a little scarce in recent months.
since last writing, i finished student teaching and graduated with my master's in SpEd. I was incredibly lucky to be hired at my high school as a SpEd teacher, to replace my mentor teacher who moved on to a teaching position with the correspondence/homeschool program. sooooo, no pressure right?! i ended up getting hired as a teacher for the extended school year (SpEd summer school) at the elementary level, and had 2 1st graders, about 6 kinders, and 1 5th grader. it worked out ok, but showed me that i definitely don't want to work full-time with elementary kids. i also spent the summer swimming the ocean to prepare for the pennock challenge - an 8.2 mile open-water swim around pennock island. i did it as part of a team, and it was a blast. enough so that this next year, i want to try & do it solo. crazy, i know…
the school year started off a full-speed, so now that it's xmas break, it's like the first time to really sit down and catch my breath. i have 5 periods of study hall that i "teach," which means checking students' grades and helping them with classwork. and writing iep's for kids w/ special ed services. and meeting with teachers & parents for those ieps. we've had some issues with the SpEd admin this year, making things difficult. my co-teacher keeps apologizing for it being as bad as it is for my 1st year, but that's kind of a common thread this year so i'm trying to take it in stride. mostly, it's the kids driving me crazy - although sometimes the adults have been acting more immature than these high schoolers. i really don't understand kids not understanding the importance of doing their school work, and to take it home if they don't complete it, so they can turn it in on time and complete to get a good grade. it's been a struggle feeling responsible for their grades, but trying to realize that they need to take responsibility for themselves. my co-teacher had a health scare, and while it looks like she'll be ok, it's still an added stress that makes things hard.
i've been coaching again this year, despite having a "real" job now. mostly because my dear old mother made the mistake of saying "you can't do everything!" and i had to prove her wrong. it's been up & down all fall, until a couple of weeks ago when i finally just gave in & turned in my resignation. i told the kids, coworkers, & parents that it was due to my teaching job - i need to focus on that. and i do. coaching takes a lot of time, effort, & energy that i could easily use in other areas of life. but to be completely honest, a large part of it is due to personal issues with Coach. i'm tired of not feeling appreciated or important enough to him, and feeling sick to my stomach and/or pissed at him for the recent relationship he entered into with a former classmate of mine. yes, i realize it's the green-eyed monster of jealousy, but that doesn't make it any easier. i'm just tired of it all, so it's time to step back and take care of myself. i haven't been swimming much at all since august due to lack of time/energy, so i'm hoping i can replace my coaching hours with swimming hours - even though it's going to be tough & awkward to see my kiddos at the same time. i feel bad and don't want it to seem like they're not important enough to me, because they are.
i sure miss the anonymity of life down south some times…and just being able to escape for awhile when things get stressful. you can't do that on this island - it's too small, and eventually you run into someone you know (or see their car at the new girlfriend's parents' house, which is 2 blocks from your parents'). i've seriously debated just buying a ticket to ANYWHERE and leaving for a bit to get away. my goal right now that i hope to achieve in the very near future, is to buy a house on my favorite north-end street, and be able to hole up whenever i need to. with a dog or two. maybe that's not the best approach to fixing things, but it sounds so appealing. housesitting jobs are great for that, but they're not reliable and living with my parents is getting on my nerves more often than is comfortable.
in the a nutshell, i'm going to take some time out for me. and be selfish. i don't feel completely ok about the way things have turned out, especially in regards to my swimmers, but i can't keep doing what i've been doing thus far - it's not working, so a change is needed. i hate that i'm not more excited about things, but i can't lie and say life is "great!"it's life at the moment. i'm blessed in many ways, and i just have to keep reminding myself of those things… last year i made a "gratitude journal" that i wrote in every night - at least 3 things every day that i was grateful for. it was fun, & it was a good reminder that i have all of these awesome things in life. so that might have to be resurrected starting on the new year!
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