just when things get good, they crash once again...

don't ever take things for granted, that's what they always say right? no kidding...just when i thought life was going pretty great due to having 2 awesome jobs, one stupid email knocks me out of my flight path and slams be back into the ground.

it's been about a month since i've last heard from the boy, despite emails, a birthday card, and a birthday phone msg...i was starting to get concerned more for his safety than the other possibility (i.e., finding another girl). well, whaddya know, i start to get concerned, and he finally just emailed me back minutes ago. everything was going great, catching me up on news, etc., until the last 2 sentences. yup, sure enough, he's met another girl. and apparently fallen hard. and apparently wants her to be a long-time thing. but hopefully i'm not upset. honestly, what do you think?!? don't say things just to be polite and brush over the issue. DUMB COMMENT DUDE.

it's this point in time that i berate myself for letting emotions run wild and unchecked and investing too much feeling into something that wasn't really ever there. i've been telling myself for weeks that i'd rather be too involved than hold back--it worked out for ginnifer goodwin's character in "she's just not that into you"! and seems more honest in the long run...but it sucks when it all gets wasted on some idiot who can't figure out what a good thing he's already got. i should have known too: last weekend my godfather asked me if i had any boyfriends; i said no, and that the options here in town weren't that great unless i want to go hang out at the local townie bars. and then of course, there's the previous negative experience i had with long distance before and it's miniscule chances of working out. the stupid thing is, I KNEW BETTER. and now there are things done that i can't ever take back again. i don't know if it's something i necessarily regret, but if i knew the end outcome i wouldn't have done it. i was just enthralled and blinded by misplaced optimism that things would work out the way i wanted them too.

if i were to take the high road right now, i guess i almost feel relieved that the questioning, wondering and "what if?" is over, especially because even though i was pretty into this boy (yes, "boy"...again, the difference between "boys" and "men"), i never got the butterflies in my stomach when i was around him. i don't know if that'll ever happen, but i hope it will when it comes to love.

the extremely sucky part, besides feeling like crap and being angry at the same time, is that there are many places in this town where we hung out and made memories; now all those places are tainted and what will be my first thought when i go back to them now? i was there with him. we hiked this trail. we bought pizza & beer here for movie night. we kissed on this very couch i'm sitting upon (a lot, too). last time i was forced to experience this barrage of good-turned-ugly reminisces, it took about 2 years for me to stop noticing the memories. that of course wasn't helped at all by me being at school for a lot of that time, so i was able to avoid most of those places until i came back home for breaks & was slapped in the face again with everything. for the most part, that's over now except for being coworkers with an individual from taht experience, but hey i try to think of that as a minor issue. until said person decides to bring up the past. which i don't appreciate. at all.

i suppose i should be grateful that this heart-cracking (not breaking; i think i've known in the back of my mind all along that things weren't going to last, but i ignored intuition and common sense--in which case, i probably deserve this feeling for NOT thinking) is the most serious problem in my life...the kids i work with should be (and are) a constant reminder of how lucky i have been in life and how much i have in comparison to others. if my only issue this past week has been reading two crappy little sentences that dashed my hope of having a relationship someday with this boy, instead of wondering where i was going to sleep each night or whether i was going to get enough food that day to not be hungry or speculating on how hard my parents were going to hit me in a drunken stupor, then i'm alright. things will be ok, eventually. just gotta look on the bright side of things and keep myself busy until the next great guy comes along. and hopefully he will soon, i've got a lot of love to share...