blues

why cannot i not just keep my mouth shut and hold myself together?? as soon as i voice something, it seems to always get worse, whatever it is.

as bad as last month was, it just continued and got worse this past week. i wasn't a fan of monday, due to all the kids bickering about the election (that most of them couldn't even vote in, and didn't know anything about, just voicing their parents' unfounded beliefs). plus i had to cover swim practice by myself again, since coach & the high school team had gotten overheaded to seattle the day before; i thought he wasn't going to make it back in to town in time for practice which is why i agreed - turned out that he just wanted an afternoon off & had gotten back early in the morning. i understand needing a day off, but it wasn't good timing for me. and his kids were obnoxious; the pre-tween girls who are spoiled brats & whine & cry over having to do drylands, who have this sense of entitlement & lack of work ethic, gave me hell and i didn't take it from them. i officially never want kids.

 then tuesday, the election was on and so my coworker sat around all day tracking it instead of actually working. she's a great person, but i'm really tired of picking up every kid who needs help while she just sits around all the time. atleast while i'm sitting, i'm working on homework - role modeling for the students. and before i left for work tuesday, i had to talk with my parents about our oldest dog, lucky. he'd had some bloody excrement again, and we knew he wasn't doing so well but we were in denial. so, before leaving for the day, we agreed that it was likely time for him to go join shiloh in doggie heaven, if the vet said that was needed. i had that weight on my shoulders all day long, even though i didn't find out for sure until 8pm that night. swim practice was a joke; my kids were awful yet again. things with coach were brief, since it was his first day back after high school season. and for me who is finding it really hard to separate personal & professional, that just makes me feel worse. needless to say, i went to bed early tuesday, without dinner, and bawled.

coach had told me to take weds off practice since he could see something was up on tues afternoon; i i didn't argue w/ him at. there was no way i could handle yelling at kids to pay attention & stop messing around & not end up crying on deck, since i'd managed to (somehow) hold it together at work all day. again, it was an early-to-bed type of day. i finally slept some, out of pure exhaustion. i had thurs off too, but on the stipulation that i do something to celebrate coach's birthday next week. i hope he'll hold up the bargain, even if it's just a pizza on the couch & football game on tv. actually, that'd be perfect. part of my breakdown has a lot to do with this emotional confusion w/ him; wanting more but not having it; a lot of questioning whether i made the right decision to come back for another year of coaching. it used to be fun, and i thought the kids would make it worthwhile after the summer's heartache. unfortunately, that hasn't been the case lately. i don't know what sequence of events would take place if i were to quit now, which is why i don't know what to do. so, for right now, things stay the same.

i hate that i get into these funks every so often, when everything just builds up and up and up until the final straw is dropped and everything tumbles down. the good part is, once it's over, things are better. and it's not frequent. but i definitely feel insane sometimes. apparently i can pull it all together enough at work; nobody seems to notice or atleast doesn't say anything. but coach does - something i appreciate but also find annoying. i want to be open to him, but not if things are strictly professional & work-related. work is supposed to be free of feelings. so how do you handle it when they're inextricably mixed??