i've been avoiding thinking about it as much as possible, but denial and supression of feelings only ends up making things worse and darkening my mood...

i start student teaching in 2 weeks.

i should be excited, as this is the last step in my program and creates a "light at the end of the tunnel" (countdown to may 22 is on!), but more than anything i'm just freaking out. and sad about having to leave my job for 3 months, despite the stress that those kids can cause (there's a LOT of them this year). so many are not happy about me leaving either, which is heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time. one of my bosses, whose idea it was for me to go somewhere else for student teaching, keeps asking what they're going to do without me, how i'm the "glue" that holds our classroom together, how it's nearly impossible that whoever they hire to cover my position for the 3 months will know and be able to explain math & science to the kids as well as I do...blah blah blah. i appreciate her support and faith in me, but it takes nearly all my patience to hold my tongue when she makes those comments and not reply, "well, it's your own fault i have to leave in the first place!"

i'm going to over to my old elementary school to work with a mom whose kids I coach/teach and who has let me observe before; she's nice if not very high-energy and potentially scatter-brained. as i mentioned to a fellow swimmer this morning, if the kids don't exhaust me by the end of the day, she will. i'm not at all interested in teaching elementary, but as my boss so nicely pointed out, i need the experience with initial assessment and eligibility determination. so, off i go.

i became officially freaked out after the student teaching orientation webinar i watched at the beginning of the week...640 hours?!? are you kidding me?!? and i can't even wear jeans?!? well, there goes my last bit of comfort i could potentially fall back on...and i'm not technically supposed to be working during teaching. which makes me question my continuation of coaching. not that i'd be super heartbroken about having to quit early, since i'm seriously leaning toward not coming back next year regardless of what happens in terms of being hired (unless i don't get hired as a teacher & need the extra $$ to pay student loans).

the kids have been ok, but i realized over xmas break - when i literally sat on the couch for about 2 wks doing almost nothing but watching tv, knitting, or going out on walks in the woods - that i have no life. break was refreshing and re-invigorating. normally, i'm out working or swimming for 10-12 hours/day, and when i get home finally, i have to do homework. it's what i do nearly all weekend. and i'm soooo tired, mentally. i don't have the time to do things for myself that i want/need to do. i have to PLAN when i can get to the post office or wal-mart. my gas tank gets pretty low before i have to force myself to break my routine and drive out (usually at 9pm) to fuel up.

i need to stop being so pessimistic about things, lighten up, and get happy. i know this. unfortunately, i'm pretty good at covering up internal feelings from most people so it's hard sometimes to realize when i've crossed the line between "hard day" and "it's time to change." coach called me on it this week; he seems to know what i need, when i need it - a frustrating and lovely thing all at the same time. i've been really trying to separate personal & work w/ him, but i think deep down i wish things were different. it's hard to tell what he wants though, which is scary.

maybe i just need to get away. that would probably help. but, where to go? too many places. how to pay for it? no idea. when do i have a break available? never (especially since i'm housesitting until spring break). ugh!!